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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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9:16 pm
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What do you say when there's nothing left to tell?
Who do you run to when your life has gone to hell?
Where do you go when you can't be where you've been?
And How do you get there without knowing why you're trying again?
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
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12:04 am - Myself
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I am Seventeen
I’ve my whole life in front of me
I won’t live another day
Hanging on what you say
Praying for a way
To make it okay.
If you hurt me again
I have only myself to blame
For all the pain
For all the shame.
Why did it take so long for me to gain
The wisdom to see
How bad for me
You’ll always be.
I’m no longer blind
I’ve found peace of mind
No longer confined
In the depths of an everlasting mine
Where I couldn’t find
Myself.
I’m sorry if this hurts you
I never meant to
But it’s true
And you’ve got to know
Cause I’ve got to show
I’m ready to let go.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 19th, 2003
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5:46 pm
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So what do you say when you feel too much to say anything at all? When every expression you can think of all feel incredibly inaccurate? I'm on the brink of my life completely changing. It's just a short time now...
So this is what it feels like to be Seventeen? or is this just what I feel like at Seventeen? For the first time I'm actually starting to feel more like a woman and less like a powerless child. Instead of wallowing in my past I'm finding strength from it. For a while, while I was just learning how to accept it, I felt the need to tell people my whold life story just to explain something small about myself. I thought if I didn't explain it all, they couldn't possibly understand me. But now, although still knowing that my past is what made me who I am, I don't have to be defined by my past anymore. I can just be defined by me, and I start as sson as I'm ready to let go...
current mood:  pensive
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 4th, 2003
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4:33 pm
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I just want to know at the end of the day that I lived my life, I didn't have it lived for me...
If I'm going to regret the choices I make, let me find out what it feels like to regret. Let me know what it feels like to have lived my life...
All I know is that when I look back on my life, and I see where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going...I want to know that I truly lived...
current mood:  quixotic
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
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6:36 pm
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I used to be
So dead inside
Never feeling
Never wanting
Anything.
I spent my days
Lost in aworld
That held no hope.
I was numb to life-
I had to survive.
I don't know how I made it
Through the dark
The blind dismissal
And indifference.
I pretended not to know,
Not to care
Because I had to.
Nothing meant anything.
If you cared about someting
It could be taken or destroyed
And that gave power
To another. Power
Meant control.
I desperately needed
Some kind of control
And I found it
In nothing. Imagine
Walk through days
Just go through the motions
Of being perfect.
Your only way out is
To be perfect.
It's not like there is any
Real desire-only need.
Understanding you have to
There are no other alternatives.
If there is any chance
To wake up and be glad
To be alive- You have to
But never let on
That living means anything
The moment you do
You will be threated
With the absence of it.
I'd think
Don't tell me
"It's gonna be okay"
'Cause it won't.
Don't tell me
"It ain't so bad"
'Cause it is.
And I tell myself
It'll all be over soon...
But I can't find it in me
To care.
This is just my Fate
This is just how my life
Is meant to play out.
I will never know
Anger, love, hate, or happiness.
What is happiness anyway?
This thing called jog.
Love has got to be an illusion
'Cause he tells me he loves me
And if that is love
Why would anybody want it?
This is the best life gets
When I escape into the
Metal ball. No one
Can reach me there.
The nuts and bolts holding it strong
Are unbreachable.
There is one window
Of impenetrable glass
That I choose to keep
Shut against the outside world.
Inside
Is everything I could ever
Want- a bed, food storage and
Me. Alone. Lost in the
Bliss of quiet solitude.
A Scarlet bed, a simple wood head board
And I'm free, for a short while at least.
Then on day I decide
It's time to look out the window.
And for the first time
I saw.
I had some hope.
I found this hope to be not
A weakness, but strength.
I discovered anger and hate.
Because I hate him, I always will.
I discovered love-unconditional and true
And every once in a while I'm happy.
Because I don't have to be perfect
Any longer. I just have to be
Me.
I just have to be alive inside.
I just have to feel.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 6th, 2003
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7:53 am - Lost
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Lost.
I feel so incredibly, unexplainably lost.
I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want anymore.
I’ve been going through this personal hell.
It’s so dark in here.
So very dark.
I’m deep in the sea, where little light trickles down.
And going deeper.
I can feel the pressure all around me.
I can’t go up, down, forward or backward.
I don’t know where I am and I don’t know where to go.
The world is closing in on me.
My world is closing down on me.
I wake each day, saddened.
I never want to see the day.
I stay up as late as I can each night.
It makes it seem like day takes longer to come.
I spend all day waiting to sleep.
It’s the only solace I can achieve.
The rest of the time, I just try to escape.
I have no direction, I have no routine.
I force myself through each day.
I just try to suck it up and get over it.
But I can’t.
I just can’t.
And as I sink deeper, the pressure increases.
The little light that was left leaves.
And I’m lost.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 4th, 2002
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10:56 pm - Tonight
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I thought I had it.
Finally.
I thought I had it.
All done.
All figured out.
I thought I had it.
I really did.
But I have nothing.
I thought I had it.
But I don't.
I don't have anything.
Tonight everything should
Be OKAY.
My life...there's gotta be a better way.
I just can't take it.
I don't know how.
How the hell did I
allow
It to get this way?
When I did I start dying?
Why am I still crying?
Is there really nothing
I can do??
When will I find
Peace of mind
In the scars
Look to the stars
and I find nothing
Is there really nothing
I can do??
I thought I had it.
Finally.
I thought I had it.
All done.
All figured out.
I thought I had it.
I really did.
But I have nothing.
I thought I had it.
But I don't.
I don't have anything.
It has to get better.
I can't get any worse.
This pain inside of me.
This hell-forged curse.
What did I ever do?
What did I ever say?
To have to feel this way?
Why won't it just go away?
Make it go away...
Just make it go away...
I thought I had it.
Finally.
I thought I had it.
All done.
All figured out.
I thought I had it.
I really did.
But I have nothing.
I thought I had it.
But I don't.
I don't have anything.
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(comment on this)
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